It’s That time of Year Again…
My teacher - Experience - is back! How do we so easily forget, year after year, the trauma of the drama of holiday season?
Well, it's a beautiful Sunday morning in November and all is going according to plan as concerns the normal upcoming holiday season. Optimistic, unrealistic, but hopeful me, once again, after 22 years of unwavering consistency, actually thought perhaps it might go differently THIS year. But alas, experience is the perfect teacher.
Partner, who has two grown children - I never had kids of my own - has stated in the past that "it's not really the holidays for him if not spent with his kids". And, true to form, in our 22 years together, we have spent only two holidays (two Thanksgivings) with members of my family. Granted, my brood is a bit different; they’re from the South, like me; complete foreigners to New Englanders. My parents are dead and I have only a biological sister. Sister has three grown children and five grandchildren, giving me a small collection of “family”; a niece, two nephews and their precious kids; my great nieces and nephews. That's the sum of my biological family. We aren't real close by most family standards, whatever that is, and most likely as a result of the dysfunction of my own early childhood. Parents who divorced when I was young yielded an additional two half-brothers, when my father remarried, but they've never been a huge part of my life, other than on Facebook and through those picturesque Christmas cards sent each year to document the exceptionalism of their children. And, probably for this reason, I have given in to Partner's expectation that holidays are to be spent with his children and their families, celebrating their traditions, their favorite holiday foods and, of course, their own family dysfunction.
Earlier this fall, in my hope to circumvent “Family Holiday Drama”, Partner and I had a very practical and civil discussion about how difficult and unreliable air travel would be during the holidays, and especially now, after the pandemic, with reduced staff in the travel industry causing delays and cancellations. We reside in Florida in the winter for a reason; we don't really want to slog through the ice and snow of the northeast this time of year, along with updating our wardrobes annually with the necessary heavy clothing and sure-footed gear required to avoid hospitalization - we’re pretty much happy to live in flip flops year-round! And we do spend five months in New England during the spring and summer which I feel provides a fairly equal a amount of time for Partner to spend time with his kids and grandkids. We further had discussed and determined we weren't any more thrilled about the alternative to flying during the holidays; driving non-stop, two full days, both ways, to New England from Florida and back, for what I dub a brief, spectator-style Christmas, and that instead, this year, we'd go visit my sister and family in Louisiana; only a 13 hour drive, and still in the southern, warm, flip-flop weather. No parkas or mittens or ice grips on the boots! This more leisurely trip would also allow us an overnight in northwest Florida; a place we both had previously lived and still enjoy visiting. I thought it was settled, but I should have known better - I ignored my perfect teacher, experience! Alas, the holiday season is upon us! Everything has changed!
Thanksgiving is Partner’s actual “most favorite holiday of the year” and one at which he believes his entire family; his kids, his siblings, and all their biological and otherwise attachments to, should be present. But seriously, his family members have their own holiday memories to make; it's not all about Partner, much to his dismay. So. Partner is settling this year for hosting Partner's son, wife and daughter at our home in Florida for Thanksgiving; a brief stop on their way from Boston to Disney World to celebrate their daughter's 4th birthday. I mean, they have to eat turkey somewhere, right? And it’s a bit difficult to come to Florida and not stop and see dear ole dad!
And as delightful as this sounds for Partner and me; seeing his son and spending time with our favorite Granddaughter, this is a very sharp, double-edged sword. The "equal balance" between Partner's kids in now in serious jeopardy; it's game-on for making sure Partner doesn't disappoint Daughter during the Annual Holiday Competition! I failed to mention Partner is also a non-practicing, but very guilt-driven prior Catholic alter boy. I'm a basic Protestant-pagan type, so my guilt pretty was much laid to rest with the burials of my mother and grandmother, but Partner is always mindful of any perceived inequity of time or money spent, with or on, either of his very competitive children. To a fault! Partner has pivot-table driven spreadsheets to keep everything on an even par.
Back to my Sunday morning; before I had taken the first sip from my first cup of coffee, Partner informs me that Daughter has just texted him - it's not even 7AM! - and wants us to FaceTime with her and her two-year old son, because, you know, she's up with said two-year old and the happy, focused episodes of a two-year-old come and go quickly; best to catch him in good mood! Which is NOW! Partner also reminded me that he knew the discussion of the Christmas Holiday Season was on her mind; she had been throwing out ideas via text to him, all this past week, building on the upcoming guilt trip to convince him to consider spending Christmas with her family in New England. Got to keep that spreadsheet balanced. She’s well aware of the Florida plans for Thanksgiving with her Brother. So.
In the disruption of my morning coffee and reading ritual, which I especially look forward to on Sundays, and to which I did not respond politely to Partner, I remember and remind Partner that he told me that he had already mentioned to Daughter that we didn't want to travel north during the holidays, but would rather plan a visit after the holidays when we could enjoy more quality time with Daughter and Grandson, er, Grandchildren. Back story; Daughter's husband has three children of his own from a previous marriage, and as current teenagers of divorced parents, they have crazy visitation and activity schedules, adding extra challenges to days and times when all four kids are together in one place. Also, this is a recent marriage for Daughter, and we are just "those extra people" in the teenagers’ lives - we bring very little to their party. They aren't too interested in spending time with any adults at this point in their busy video-game-TikTok-fueled lives, and especially not with us. They barely acknowledge us or the gifts we give them, but we do our best to treat them all, equally, as "our Grandchildren". And, on another note, none of these biological children or grandchildren of Partner's are related to me other than via my relationship with him, but after 22 years, I do my best to be a part of Partner's family because, well, that's who we spend time with!
Holidays are difficult enough for biological families - I have witnessed this many times, though I've been spared the reality of it as I never had kids of my own, so I’ve never had to juggle schedules between a divorced parent or the extra, add-on grandparents of the modern-day family structure. It looks exhausting! It is equally exhausting and depressing for me in a different way; I don't feel any consideration has ever been given me regarding my ideas of holidays and how I might like to spend them. In over 22 years. I guess because I don't have kids, and a limited, pretty much out of sight family from the South, I'm just expected to be thrilled with how Partner and his kids want their holidays to be, year after year. I've never even been asked about my memories of my childhood holiday celebrations; not in 22 years. By any one. I can only surmise that they don't really care! I'm from the South. So. Probably weird, heathen, swamp-people traditions. There actually are a few! I’ll save that for another post.
I have found over these past 22 years that spending the holidays with Partner and his kids leaves me a tad empty, like a sideline spectator of their holidays, which now includes Partner’s kids' spouse's families and all that brings with it; preparing and eating the foods that are traditional to them and their holiday memories, with one plus; Partner and I pay for it all. It’s a thing with Partner; must assuage the guilt somewhat. I have, however, become quite useful as Grand-Baby-Minder so Daughter and “Papa” can cook together; this is a huge deal around the holidays! Must be a New England thing. And then Daughter always has great ideas of expensive outside activities to do while we're in town; things she’d never do on her own because, you know, cost. Over the years, I've actually tried a couple of times to incorporate at least a few of my favorite holiday foods and traditions when said celebrations were hosted by Partner and me, but those actions are never met with much enthusiasm and so I’ve let them go and just observe the "Family Holiday Traditions". Last year, wanting to contribute, I offered to make and bring a favorite holiday dessert of mine for Thanksgiving to Partner's son's home but I was told not to bring anything; they already had the desserts planned. Thus, no homemade Pecan Pie for me, the single traditional food I truly look forward to at Thanksgiving. The “planned desserts” turned out to be store-bought pumpkin pies from BJ's. Disappointing to say the least. I did not comply; I rebelled in silence and absolutely refused to eat the commercial pumpkin pie, though I doubt anyone noticed. At least there’s always plenty of wine at the “Family Holiday Celebrations”.
So back to today’s drama; on the FaceTime call with Daughter, her Husband and the Grandson, the initial small talk ensued with Grandson until he lost interst and then of course, it turned to the issue of Christmas. Daughter had previously provided us the very few opportunities over the course of “the holidays” to be with all their children, for the reason mentioned above (split-family and crazy schedules). She had provided some ideas of us meeting up in a central spot to both her and her brother and his family, with us of course footing the bill for our required flights to New England, the multiple hotel rooms to house us and the two families and the food and entertainment. But based on our schedules - it still seems they don't fully understand we have an actual life here in Florida, and can’t jump at the chance to be with them whenever its convenient for them, because they must think we're otherwise doing nothing important. Well, as it turned out, we couldn't make any of her proposed plans work for the three family units (Us, Daughter & Son).
Backing up a bit here… Before the call, Partner had asked that I let him do the explaining of why certain dates and the holiday travel didn't seem to be working out for December, which I did, gladly. Daughter then, in a twist, actually put Husband up to asking THE question; that if her plans for a family visit prior to Christmas didn't work for us, would we consider being with them for the Christmas weekend itself. I knew this was Daughter's intention from the beginning; I get that she still lives in her white-picket-fenced world fantasy that holidays should be like she always remembers them from her childhood and she's had to give up a lot with the integrating of Husband’s kids and his large Italian family and it's unique traditions. I get it totally, so I know she always wants to have her "Papa" with her for the holidays. Don't we all want those warm, fuzzy memories recreated from our fantasy childhoods? And now, especially since she's raising her son, I’m sure she wants to create those same feelings around the holidays for him to learn and grow to love. It’s that time of year again…
Unfortunately, Daughter has been raised as a bit of a princess by her dad/myPartner her whole life; Partner’s actually afraid of her - and I mean this totally! And boy, did I see it on the camera this morning! The minute her dad explained the difficult schedules of all concerned, us included - yes we do have a life here in Florida! - and the anticipated pains of holiday travel, it was like a mask fell from her face and we were summarily dismissed. I could feel the immediate tension in Partner, sitting next to me, and it confirmed, once again, how much he is terrified of disappointing Daughter. The discussion went downhill from there; a dismal attempt by Daughter to quickly cover her feelings that her plans had failed, and by Partner to try and soothe the disappointment he felt we had caused her and to figure out a way to fix it. The talk moved on to future dates after the holidays, with short, clipped answers from Daughter, basically telling us that the only remaining times available to us until summer would be President's Day weekend and April vacation. I offered that we would be in New England for five months, over the spring and summer, but the look I got from Daughter, reminded me instantly that my ideas had not been solicited, and as such, were unsatisfactory. You, Just Shut up! We were not playing according to her “Family Holiday Plan”. From there, the FaceTime got wrapped up in short order. Partner had to get ready for his golf game and Daughter had nothing more to say…at least for the moment. Yep, it’s that time of year again…
So, we get off the phone and Partner starts the blame game, laying the whole mess at my feet. Keep in mind, he had already told Daughter that we were planning to stay south and visit my sister for Christmas this year, but apparently that had been dismissed by Daughter as unacceptable and she was determined to orchestrate her plan of having her "Papa" for the holidays. When I mentioned this, Partner hurls his pent-up frustration at me, accusing me that I've done nothing to plan Christmas at my sister's, which isn't true - I put the idea out to her and she was more than happy to have us come - but in my heart of hearts, I knew Family Holiday Drama was approaching, because, Experience! - and so I hadn't really nailed down the particulars of traveling to Louisiana. No use wasting time on that. I think my sister, after 22 years, also knows that we can't be counted on for this very reason. It’s that time of year again…
So, Partner’s and my conversation escalated into a heated argument and a final childish indictment from Partner of, "Fine, I'm tired of this, you go to your sister's and I'll go see my grandchildren!" Followed by, “So much for my golf game today!”
So, feeling guilty, as the villain, not going along with “The Family Holiday Plans”, I began looking up potential flights and rental cars and basically gave up and capitulated to the idea of heading to the cold, mushy northeast for Christmas. This was met with only more disgust as Partner was heading out to golf and didn't want to talk about it anymore. He now has the guilt from Daughter working on him and, of course, I'll later be blamed for his bad golf score, because of the disruption of his calm environment before his game.
So. Not only was my calm Sunday morning disrupted with the immediate FaceTime call, demanded on Daughter's schedule, but I am once again, the villain, ruining the “Family Christmas Holiday Plans” because Partner and I had decided not to go north for Christmas this year. Yep; it's that time of year again....
Stay tuned for how it eventually works out…a future post from my New England Christmas experience!
It’s That time of Year Again…
Omg I love this post!! Your writing is fabulous!
Flashback 65 years ago to dad and I watching Sunday cartoons. Popeye finds out he has a dad and goes to see him. At which point Popeye's dad says "II hates relictives." After a laugh, I say to my dad
"Is that how it is? He replies " Yes" I make a mental note in the boilerplate that is 12 year at old boy's mind. "That's how it is." Luckily for me, my spouse's dad was a drunk who ruined every one of her childhood holidays, I have screwed up Christmas, but our children know we try. It's always about family.